Mike M.’s Story
He Keeps Coming Back
Hello Fellow Alcoholics, My name is Mike. I had my first drink when I was 18 years old. I am nearly 70. I currently have 95 days of continuous sobriety. During that 52 year period I have put together periods of sobriety as long as 14 years and as brief as a few months. I am not perfect in my approach to recovery because I still have a problem with not liking how life makes me feel. Sometimes my bad attitude towards life makes me conclude that I don’t care. At that point “fuck it” comes barging in the door and I am drunk and loaded. Despite my struggles I keep trying “a day at a time” to stay sober. I have been in and out of hospitals, jails, relationships, a marriage, and alienated family members. I have done damage to my body that I can never fix. What I want to express is that, despite all that, I know that sobriety is preferable to suffering. I know because I have a host of family and friends who never gave up on me no matter how many times I gave up on myself. In relapse I ignore them. In relapse I pull away and isolate. In relapse I feel alone even though I am not. I stay sober a day at a time. Sometimes 10 minutes at a time. If I could learn to care about me as much as my friends and family do, I would be happy all the time. I have spent time alone with guilt, remorse, fear, and self-loathing. It sucks! I have spent many months and years in recovery and it was awesome. Today I feel good. Tomorrow I may not. Life has challenges. Rarely can we successfully cope alone. We all need help. I have many friends. They know me enough to encourage me to refrain from isolating.
I drink for one reason. I drink when I don’t like the way I feel. If I drink I feel better for a short time and then worse for a longer time. If I share my feelings with another recovering person I usually don’t drink and always feel better. Self-appraisal and solitary contemplation are dangerous for us drunks. We let fear take the wheel and drive us right to what we were afraid of. The most important thought I have to share is never give up! Let the people who love you do so until you can love yourself. I am still working on the “love yourself” thing. Enjoy each day you are alive. Keep your eyes open for blessings. I will keep trying with you to live a better life. To all my friends and family – I love you and am grateful for all you have done for me. If not for you I would be gone already. Sober Doesn’t Suck! God Bless! ~ Mike M., WA