Throughout my life, in different (not all) situations, when I have been in fear, and did not know what the hell other people were thinking or doing, I have had a little bit of a tendency (a wee bit), if you will, to MAKE SHIT UP IN MY HEAD regarding those situations.
I call this the Fill-in-the-Blanks-for-Myself Technique.
“Why on earth would someone do this?”, you may ask.
Oh…lots of silly reasons! Let me count the ways:
- I can’t stand waiting to find out what’s REALLY going on.
- I can’t stand what the REAL answer may be.
- I may never find out the REAL answer.
- My answer is just plain better than the REAL answer.
- There is NO real answer.
- There actually is nothing going on and I just made up something to worry about.
When I brought one of my complicated – future tripping – scenarios to this brilliant counselor I saw, she asked me a simple question, “Do you have all of the data?” This appealed to my analytical nature and led me to my own answer which was , “HELL NO!” I came to the conclusion that I had made up shit to worry about. I made up what people were thinking about me; what they would do, or not do; what they would want me to do, or not do; and what would make them like me the most (which circles back to “people pleasing”).
Have you ever seen a newcomer at a meeting and thought you knew what was best for them? Did you think you would be a good sponsor for them, or knew who the perfect sponsor would be? Did you ever go to a meeting and feel like no one was greeting you or saying hi to you or noticing that you were there? Did you leave the meeting and then start making assumptions about their behavior? Or, did you ever leave a meeting feeling like everyone you interacted with was judging you? As a result, you copped a resentment and started coming up with reasons for their behavior?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above, then you know what I’m talking about. If you answered “no”, then you’re lying to yourself and you should ask me for the name and number of my counselor. 😉
All this being said, I have a comforting thought about this character defect: I CAN CHANGE MY MIND. Now that I am aware of this behavior. I can change it!
That is a comforting thought.
I beat myself up about it. I was embarrassed about it. I will continue to apologize to those affected by it. I will have compassion for myself with it (…”progress, not perfection” and all…). And, most importantly, I WILL CHANGE.
I have made shit up about situations and people to ease my anxiety about not knowing how things will turn out or if people will accept me or like me. It’s all insecurity crap that I have come to realize EVERYONE has to one degree or another but very FEW people talk about. Now THAT is the real shit being made up… that we’re all supposed to be fearless all the time.
So, onto another week of learning, growing, and enjoying this awesome life! I have been loving getting to know you beautiful people.
Sober frickin’ rocks!!!